If You Keep Stressing Over Being a “Good” Person, You’re Going to Experience More Shame

“I’m not sure that I’ve been a really good teacher this year…” said the client.

“Define good:” said the coach.

Just like chess has some predictable, standard moves, the exchange above is a staple coaching move.

You aren’t good?

Who is?

You’re not doing a good job?

Who is?

You weren’t a good partner?

Define good. Do it right now. Tell me, in detail, what good is. Who is good. What good looks like, sounds like, acts like. Give me a list to prove you’re good. Tell me the manual I need to follow to be good.

You want someone else to tell you if you’re good or not? Follow their rules. Submit to their control. Allow them to dictate what is good for you. People do this all the time. We submit to the GOOD/BAD judgements of religions, schools, friends, cultures…

If you want someone to tell you that you’re good, just find out what they think is good and follow their rules.

If you want to decide that you’re good no matter what anyone says, do it right now.

Decide that you are good. No matter what. Because you’ve defined good for yourself.

WAIT A SECOND GEORGI… I CAN’T JUST DO THAT. I HAVE TO LOOK OUTSIDE MYSELF TO MAKE SURE.

Naw. You don’t. AND… You can. Try it. Do all the “good” things… chances are…

Trying to do all the “good” things and be the “good” person is going to lead you to probably being “bad” and then you’ll get to experience one of my very least favorite emotions:

Shame.

Stressed over being a “good” person? Are you “bad”? Shame is following close behind.

Feeling shame? Isolation and disconnection are following close behind.

Want to be good, bad, and everything in between?

Want to be human?

Want to allow vulnerability?

Love will come next.

Beautiful reader: Keep trying to be “good.” Tell me what “good” is to you. Tell me who gets to decide that you’re “good.” Tell me all the things. Or better yet, listen to National Book Award winner and Pulitzer Prize winner (wait… is that good enough?) Mary Oliver:

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.